It is 3am, and I am once again still awake. All these thoughts rolling around in my head. Ive slept maybe 2 hours in the last 32 hrs. And I am still not tired. Exhausted, yes.
My heart hurts, and it hurts because of the ill thoughts I have had toward people today. I know karma will catch up with me for those thoughts. I gladly accept whatever the gods have decided is my punishment for the thoughts. If they punish you for thinking bad things that is. Maybe I will be lucky and they only punish you if you really follow through. Or if what you are thinking comes to be.
And the thoughts are not for those most would expect. Well maybe they are to some degree. I am holding in SO much anger I feel like I may explode. And if I DO explode the body count will be high. I am getting closer and closer to begin telling people exactly what I think of them. Trust me they are not charitable thoughts. They are not nice thoughts. And no one ever really wants to know how someone feels about them. They may THINK they do, but trust me on this. No one really wants to know.
Part of my brain says Fuck it- start burning those bridges. When did I become so bitter and jaded? When did I stop having fun? And is it possible to get it back? Am I too old for fun? When did my life get so out of my control? Why did I give up contol so easily?
If I do start buring those bridges, am I capable of dealing with the fallout?
Or would I retreat further into my self. Shutting out everyone and everything.
I need to get away. I have no where to go. The place I thought I could always go, that would always be home (no matter where it was)has no appeal for me today. Will probably not have appeal for a very long time. I cant go there. I dont want to go there. I think that hurts more than anything.

My eldest son today shipped out to Fort Benning to start his life. I cannot decide if I want to throw up or cry. Maybe both
The boy and I rarely see eye to eye. We really are far too much alike for the comfort of either of us. But I love the kid. He was my first born. There is something special about that.

The first kid is like the test child. By the third son, we were practically letting him juggle steak knives for 5 minutes of quiet (i AM kidding) In the beginning I hope I did not screw him up too badly. I think I may have failed there. But he has certainly changed in the last 6 months. He has grown up. And he has realized that life is not always fun. It sucks more often than not. Is 18 too early to learn that? Probably. But get used to it early. That sounded far more jaded and cynical than I intended it to.

Today I am the most proud of him. He is becoming a man. He will become a GOOD man. That potential is there. I think i missed it for far too long. And I kick myself daily for that. And i am so very sorry for it.