It is 3am, and I am once again still awake. All these thoughts rolling around in my head. Ive slept maybe 2 hours in the last 32 hrs. And I am still not tired. Exhausted, yes.
My heart hurts, and it hurts because of the ill thoughts I have had toward people today. I know karma will catch up with me for those thoughts. I gladly accept whatever the gods have decided is my punishment for the thoughts. If they punish you for thinking bad things that is. Maybe I will be lucky and they only punish you if you really follow through. Or if what you are thinking comes to be.
And the thoughts are not for those most would expect. Well maybe they are to some degree. I am holding in SO much anger I feel like I may explode. And if I DO explode the body count will be high. I am getting closer and closer to begin telling people exactly what I think of them. Trust me they are not charitable thoughts. They are not nice thoughts. And no one ever really wants to know how someone feels about them. They may THINK they do, but trust me on this. No one really wants to know.
Part of my brain says Fuck it- start burning those bridges. When did I become so bitter and jaded? When did I stop having fun? And is it possible to get it back? Am I too old for fun? When did my life get so out of my control? Why did I give up contol so easily?
If I do start buring those bridges, am I capable of dealing with the fallout?
Or would I retreat further into my self. Shutting out everyone and everything.
I need to get away. I have no where to go. The place I thought I could always go, that would always be home (no matter where it was)has no appeal for me today. Will probably not have appeal for a very long time. I cant go there. I dont want to go there. I think that hurts more than anything.